September seems so far away...

Time is ticking down and every day I am getting more and more nervous about BMT and tech school! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! There I feel better.

So last entry I briefly mentioned how September totally sucked well I think I have avoided that story long enough and I think I am strong enough to be able to write about it. If you are someone I regularly talk to you probably already know what this is about.

I have wanted to move to Alaska all my life but in the most recent years before actually making the move I knew I had to get here soon. The reason being is that I knew my grandparents have not been doing well and not to be morbid but I had a feeling it was only going to be a matter of time. My grandfather whom I have called papa since I could say papa was not obeying doctor’s orders to stop smoking and drinking and I only figured it was because he is a stubborn man who was not afraid of dying. In speaking with my grandmother before and since I have moved here he has become just angry and grumpy and mean to her. We all (as in family) figured it was his way of disconnecting so that we would not feel sad when he finally left us. We all should have know it was coming but earlier this year he went in to his doctor to get his pacemaker battery replaced. Well that seemed to fix it. He seemed faster, stronger, and almost in a better mood. Shortly after “the surge” ended and on September 4^th, 2012 around one in the afternoon I received a call from my Aunt and I just could not believe what she was telling me. All she could get out was that grandpa had died and she was so distressed that my Uncle had to take over the phone call and tell me what happened. I have experienced loss only once before but it was when I was young and did not understand what to feel or the sorrow of others around me. But when I got this phone call my whole body was shaking and by the time I got off the phone I could not speak let alone hold back my raging tears. I walked to my husband who thank goodness works in the same building, and tried so hard to tell him what happened. Understanding, he walked me to our truck and told me to stay there and call my father. I could not get a hold of him so I called my mother so that she could relay the information. Shortly my husband returned to the truck with my things and said that he had told my boss and his that we would be out for a few days because we had a death in the family. We drove to our home and gathered some things to drive 3 hours to my grandparent’s property. We met up with my Aunt and Uncle at their house to help them and set out. When we arrived papa’s body was already taken and my grandmother was in tears. She told us her story. She came home in the afternoon to find him slumped in his chair and thought he was sleeping. When she went to get him up to go to the bed where he would be more comfortable he was cold to the touch and was not responding. She immediately called 911 and was able to get him down to the floor to administer CPR. Unfortunately it did not do anything and she was so distraught when the EMTs arrived that at first she would not let them take him. Everything after hearing the story seemed like a blur. I remember my father getting to the property, going to the funeral home to see my grandfather, driving back to Anchorage, picking up my mother and siblings, going to the memorial, then finally the funeral. Anything between these events were all jumbled.

I miss him greatly and always will. It is still very difficult to deal with the reality of not being able to talk to him or see him again. It is hard to imagine not seeing someone you expected to be there all the time.

A very sad blog post but in a way I feel relieved. I am normally a person who is open about my emotions but for the first time I did not want to show my sadness I felt and still feel. This is my way of dealing with the loss and hey it is a new day and age where this is acceptable.

Thank you all for the support and care I received during this very difficult time.